76 lines
3.6 KiB
HTML
76 lines
3.6 KiB
HTML
id: conundrum
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title: Conundrum
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previous: ct
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date: 2025-02-08
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---
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<h2>Conundrum</h2>
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<p>
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I finished making the bed, and was hit by a moment of sadness.
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Layed there and put on a City and Colour album.
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My mind went to the insanity of modern life.
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</p>
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<p>
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My fiance and I were out for lunch with a friend.
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On the way home we were both tired, when we got home she suggested that we take at nap.
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My response was "I will feel guilty"...
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We did sleep and in a small way I do.
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</p>
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<p>
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There seems to be so little time to live that I felt guilty for taking rest on a Saturday afternoon.
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I felt that I was taking time from something.
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From myself maybe, from things that "had" to be done.
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</p>
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<p>
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Laying there on the bed listening to the music letting my mind wander my thoughts came back to this.
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I have been having trouble finding motivation or interest lately.
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I dream and fantasize about working for people directly.
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Building more skills and really mastering some aspects of software development to try and write software like proper
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craftsmen build furniture.
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Something solid that lasts, something that people feel good about using.
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That means minimal dependencies, simple code, likely single function applications.
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It also means that I have to learn and implement a lot of things myself.
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</p>
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<p>
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I have been mapping out various areas of learning and starting to think about projects that cover some of them.
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But the motivation to get started is rarely there.
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Some days it is and I lose myself in the problem solving and writing.
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I do love the process.
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</p>
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<p>
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Most days thinking of it takes me to thinking about work and I find that distasteful.
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I am not proud of the code that I write there.
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I was for the first time with a refactor and simplification that I did on my own time.
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It made the code easier to reason about, seperated the application state from UI rendering, simplified testing.
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Co workers were very pleased, we all suspect that moving towards this proof of concept in our design will make our
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lives much easier.
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Management however saw nothing in it.
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Whenever any of us take on a project like that, to improve the quality of the code it always has to be on our own
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time.
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So without any space to do good work most of the time it is racing to hit deadlines and not being able to do work
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that we are proud of.
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</p>
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<p>
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The less I code on my own time the more that lack of attention to detail at work eats away at me.
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The more that eats at me the less interested I am in coding at all.
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</p>
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<p>
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This is a circuitous way of coming back around to the fact that we are kept busy.
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Needlessly so.
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Taking time that could be used improving our lives, learning, growing, living, and just gobbling it up with work to
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enrich people that we will never meet.
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Not helping society, likely causing damage in all honesty.
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Consuming needless resources, crushing small businesses and third party sellers.
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</p>
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<p>
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Over a weekend we have time to do very little.
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See a friend, rest a bit, get ready for the week.
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Enough to survive and keep going in a steady state, but not to expand our horizons.
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To build something of my own with this schedule I feel like I have to give up most other things in life.
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Time for hobbies, friends, any time of just doing nothing, sleep.
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</p>
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<p>
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I can't stand this endless focus on growth and gluttony for more.
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I am disgusted to be a part of this system, but don't have the energy required or the time to walk away at the
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moment in any sort of sustainable fashion.
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</p>
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